- The Prison of Body Resistance — Set Yourself Free Series
- Prisons of the Spirit — Set Yourself Free Series
- The Prison of Imagination — Set Yourself Free Series
- Breaking Through Beliefs — Set Yourself Free Series
- True Intimacy — Set Yourself Free Series
- True Liberation — Set Yourself Free Series
Breaking Through Beliefs — it’s easy to get caught in the rightness of our beliefs. We then end up defending. Instead, there’s simple awareness.
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So, this guy I know likes to think he’s the smartest guy in the room. In fact, he’ll go so far as to declare himself so. He also has somehow persuaded his wife to play this game. He’ll say something, and then look at her, and she’ll go, “Oh! I never thought of it that way! You’re so smart!” or “You sure do know a lot!”
It’s kinda gag-worthy, especially since I know that I’m the smartest person in the room… ROTFL 😉
The other day, he (after 7 beers in 4 hours) told me for a second time in a month or so why he despises the Monarchy. It occurred to me that he was pretty stuck. What I noticed was that his belief system seemed “fixed.” Despite being well-read and knowledgeable, there’s no room for movement in his thinking.
So, maybe we could say he’s smart, but not wise
I see this phenomenon a lot–people getting stuck in a “thought trough.” You notice this especially with Trump followers and the MAGA crowd.
Somewhere, sometime, they concluded something, and dynamite can’t budge them from it.
In relationships, it’s often around rules and roles. Who should do what with which, and to whom kind of things. It also happens around subjects; for example, the infamous categories “Mommy told you not to talk about.” Sex, religion, politics.
My favourite story here involved a young couple we knew.
Both were staunch Baptists; he’d been to Bible College. He’d regularly go off on his view of sin and hell, to which he was sure I was going.
We’d known her since she was 12 or so, and had watched her grow up. Sex was never discussed, and she was quite conservative.
One day, after their marriage, they declared that she was going to get a breast enlargement, which was a surprise.
A few months later, she and the new, quite large supplements arrived.
Husband was beaming. He then announced that and he and she had started doing the “Hot Wife” thing, which Urban Dictionary defines as:
“A married woman who has sexual relations with other men, with the husbands approval. Usually while the husband watches or joins.”
As you might expect, I have no trouble with “hot wives” or any other thing anyone wants to do, provided everyone agrees.
My problem was with the contradiction between his endless Baptist rants about sinfulness and hell, and his lifestyle choices. It smacks of hypocrisy.
It begs the question: why is this so hard for us to see?
I guess, given the young man’s protestations when I mentioned all of this to him, that he’s got his Christian beliefs well and truly boxed up, and unavailable for discussion, let alone change.
In another sealed box is his sex life, and never are the two to meet.
Same with the first story. He’s got “Monarchy belief” in a box and there is no room for movement or even discussion.
These rigidities feel good to us, because what kicks in a certain sense of prideful, arrogant invincibility. I know what I know because what I know is right, and besides, I know it.
If that seemed redundant, it’s because it is. It’s based upon belief, and that’s one of those difficult things.
It’s altogether another thing to recognize how tenuous belief is. Yet, that is where wisdom lies.
I think it’s really important to subject beliefs and knowledge to a test
The test is, how is my belief going over? How are others reacting to my rigid statements of belief?
Such questions allow us to open up a bit, and lightly explore.
I’m not talking about changing or denying your beliefs, by the way, although that might happen. With the “hot wife” guy, there has to be a moment or two where he questions how this fits with his rigid Christian fundamentalism.
Because the way things are, there is a huge contradiction. If he notices, he might also notice how he’s keeping those two sets of beliefs separate and segregated; they just can’t live together. And noticing, he might then take some time to explore the two sets, and see how he keeps them apart. He then might want to look at his Christian and secular views re. sex. And work at bringing them into agreement.
This is the Zen of not knowing
Not knowing is not “not knowing” — it’s being flexible.
- It’s holding beliefs lightly, and remaining open to the possibility of another viewpoint or two.
- It’s deciding, perhaps, not to decide — not to hold one’s beliefs rigidly.
- It’s acknowledging that there are tons of cultural — religious — political belief systems out there, and having a death-grip on any of them is often a problem.
- It might even be holding on to your beliefs, yet letting others off the hook — not shoving your views down others’ throats.
- Becoming more and more comfortable simply being with others, without needing them to believe what you believe, without insulting their beliefs, without needing to judge.
Not easy, especially with one’s closely held beliefs, but better than ending your life having never felt the freedom of just letting go.