You’ve been trying to figure out how to have
the best relationship ever had, but let’s face it:
it’s not easy!
If you are confused about Elegant, Intimate Relating, read on!
My book, The. Best. Relationship. Ever. is just the guide you’ve been waiting for.
You are about to learn how to relate with elegance, have deep and intimate conversations, and to find peace and contentment.
My book, The. Best. Relationship. Ever., will:
- help you to implement the 9 essential Tools for Elegant, Intimate Relating
- explain how to communicate effectively and deeply
- explain how to communicate effectively and deeply
- provide pages and pages of easy-to-do exercises designed to get your relationship on track
- introduce you to sensuality exercises designed to get you in touch with your deepest passions
Let me tell you: as a therapist, I know just how hard it can be to have a successful relationship, let alone the best relationship ever had!
My clients are all too clear about what’s going wrong in their principal relationship. I think I’ve heard it all — and yet, I get surprised! (I’ve been at it since 1981.)
Here are a few things that clients have problems with–things that plague most relationships:
- The stress of everyday living comes home, and communication seems stilted, brief, or non-existent.
- The media bombards us with dumb ideas about relationships — that they are “easy” or that everyone (but you!) gets to live happily ever after
- It’s difficult to trust — the world seems harsh, and your partner doesn’t ever seem to understand, so… you keep secrets.
Painful? Yes! But here’s the first thing you need to know –
the only thing you can do is fix your side of things!
The. Best. Relationship. Ever.
will show you how.
I know. You’re frustrated and disheartened. You look at your relationship history and see:
- seemingly endless arguments and fights
- boredom, lack of interest
- confusion around sexuality and sensuality — sex has lost its spark
- half-hearted attempts at “fixing things” that peter our — you don’t know how to do this stuff
- dishonesty and distrust
- either or both of you spending more and more time away, either physically or emotionally
- relationships ending — and you think you’re a failure
You might have read other books, or talked with a therapist or two, and might be skeptical that a simple book has within its pages clear instructions, practical methods, and exercises that will help you to have the best relationship ever had.
I want to assure you that The. Best. Relationship. Ever. has a perfect mix of theory and practice. Do what the book suggests, and you’ll see results!
I’ll take you by the hand, and help you to become a self-responsible participant in a relationship adventure!
The book is loaded with stories, examples and lessons from my 30 plus years of Counselling experience.
You will know exactly what to do next —- no more trying (and failing) to figure out the next step to the best relationship ever had.
The. Best. Relationship. Ever. is the beginning of an adventure —
an adventure in conscious relating!
Wayne Allen cares about people. Reading this book is like having a private session with Wayne himself. The reader encounters his humour, nonjudgmentalness and useful directions for establishing and maintaining fulfilling relationships. The book is practical, straightforward and clear, not weighed down with jargon or academia. An excellent introduction to a life of personal development and meaning. We recommend Wayne, and this, his latest book.
— Bennet Wong, MD, FRCP©, DLitt
— Jock McKeen, MD, LicAc(UK), DLitt
Couples, whether in already strong relationships or those who are experiencing some ‘rough patches,’ will appreciate Wayne Allen’s latest book.
Consistent with his other books and writings, in The. Best. Relationship. Ever. Wayne draws upon elegance, self-responsibility and unabashed honesty as the cornerstones for powerful and intimate relationships.
Written with stories, case examples and suggestions, Wayne lets the reader in on his own real-life experimentation of these concepts with his wife and partner, Darlene.
Wayne’s guidance does not permit distractions, excuses or blame and instead, coaxes the all-encompassing and honest awareness of the reader to strengthen their presence in their relationship.
Wayne has added potent, yet easy exercises that traverse the realms of communication, problem-resolution, integrity, respect and sexuality that truly engage the reader to apply the concepts to their current relationship.
~ Debashis Dutta, Coordinator,
Human Services Foundation,
Conestoga College, Kitchener, Ontario
Wise. Warm. Wondrous. Witty. That’s Wayne and his Writing.
The. Best. Relationship. Ever. is a gem of a book on relating honestly, deeply, and elegantly. Based on years of handling and experiencing relationships, the book is written in trademark Wayne style : simple, personal, funny and profound. You can see yourself nodding in agreement, mentally rolling your eyes at the things that you do being now reflected in the book, and smiling because hey, the book understands you really well.
That’s what makes this book so special. That it talks to you. It seems to know you deep within your mind where all relationships begin. You are walking together to make the best relationship ever possible. For you.
Wayne outright tells you how it is : “Though the number of people in a traditional relationship is two, there is only one person that can change how you relate to your partner. You!”
So this book is neither a tool to change your partner, nor finding new ways to blame them, nor about discovering fresh excuses for your relationship being the way it is.
As Wayne puts it: “we are going for a walk into 100% responsibility.”
You learn – and more importantly, realise, that real, beautiful, honest and fulfilling relationships start with relating more deeply and intimately with yourself. That work on any relationship has to begin with work on yourself. That in order to have the best relationship ever you need to approach it with integrity, maturity, elegance and total responsibility. The book offers you several workable tools and techniques that enable you to actually experience better relationships – and does so in a manner that prods your common sense and tickles your funny bone in good measure.
Thank you Wayne C Allen for this remarkably intuitive and refreshing read. All relationships deserve this book.
~ Sharmila Bhosale
The. Best. Relationship. Ever. helps you to discover how to relate with depth, compassion, and assurance.
So, I hear you asking, what’s in the book, and why is it so special?
The. Best. Relationship. Ever. is both a learning tool, and a step-by-step guide — a plan you will implement — to chart the new direction in your life and relationship.
As you read, you will discover:
- 8 reasons you’ve failed at relating — we examine what goes wrong
- 3 problems people have with communication — once you know what doesn’t work, you’re ready for what does!
- Sam and Sally, and learn how to really mess up a relationship! — you see their mis-steps, and learn from them.
- how “labelling” your partner gets in the way of Elegant, Intimate Relating. You’ll see that Elegant, Intimate Relating means no judging and blaming.
- a brand new model for being in relationship. I call this Elegant, Intimate Relating.
- the rules and practice of dialogue. Each conversation is worthy of doing well!
- what to do, and when. You’ll have the tools you need, right in front of you.
- how to be with the partner you have — how to let go of fantasy.
- how NODing clears up the mystery of how we go off the rails with our lives
- why feelings and interpretations (thoughts) are often confused, to your detriment.
- the 7 elements of great communication and how using them well will change your life.
- why sensuality, eroticism and sexuality are vitally important.
And you’ll have real tools—
- The 9 Tools — which include Total Honesty, Speaking clearly, Feeling your Feelings, and 6 more!
- 9 Methods for safely expressing your emotions.
- 6 Projects for exploring Sensuality and Sexuality
- 10 Exercises in Elegant, Intimate Relating
- Pages and pages of Sensual, Erotic Exercises.
The. Best. Relationship. Ever. is designed to help you figure the whole relating game out!.
As I Write in My Book.…
First of all, welcome!
My wife Darbella (Dar for short) and I have been developing and teaching Elegant, Intimate Relating since we met in 1982. We’ve helped hundreds of clients to strengthen and deepen their relationships. Needless to say, what you’re about to read is the bedrock for our own relationship.
We’d like to help you – if you use what we’ve learned, and your relationship will become the best is can be.
Over the years, I’ve written two booklets about relating, as well as creating “The List of 50,” a method to figure out what you want in a partner (expanded to a full-length book, Find Your Perfect Partner.) Recently, I decided it was time for a practical guide based on Elegant, Intimate Relating.
The. Best. Relationship. Ever. teaches the nuts and bolts of building and maintaining a great relationship. You’ll learn about what Elegant, Intimate Relating looks like, you’ll discover how to communicate with clarity and curiosity, and you’ll discover how to continue deepening your relationship over time.
The Plot Thickens
The best gift you can give yourself, right now, is an acknowledgement – you really don’t have a clue what it takes to have a full-bodied, lush relationship, now do you??
And really, why would you? They’re pretty rare. Most experts, including me 😉 figure that only 5% of the population ever figures this one out.
That’s why so many people divorce; that’s why so many others have dull, boring relationships.
Hard Work is Required
Fair warning: Elegant, Intimate Relating is a long and winding road. I want to be clear. This book has no short-cuts – just plain speaking, and hard work.
Relationship work is personal and individual
Now, that may seem a bit odd in a book titled, “The. Best. Relationship. Ever.” I’m stating it this way to make a point. Despite the fact that the number of people in a traditional relationship is two, there is only one person that can change how you relate to your partner. You!
Therefore, not one suggestion in this book is aimed at your partner. This book is not a tool to bludgeon your partner with. This book is designed to get you to stop looking outside of yourself, either for rescue, or to blame.
Have a look at the relationship you are in (or the one that just ended!) Now, say after me:
“I created this. Every aspect of my life is just as it is, and it is as it is because of how I think, and what I do. Waiting for my partner to change is silly, as the only person I have a chance of changing is me. So, here I go – from this point on, I am claiming total responsibility for how I see myself, and what I choose to do.”
There! Don’t you feel all warm and fuzzy inside?
We’re going to go on a walk into 100% self-responsibility. By the end of this book, you’ll know whether there’s a chance in hell to save your current relationship (hint: there is, but not easily, as there’s a ton of water under that bridge, and doing things differently requires strenuous effort.)
If your latest relationship has tanked, then reading this book may just make your next relationship soar.
In either case, you must keep your nose on your side of the fence, learn and implement what this book teaches – a new way of being in the world – and get over yourself.
The. Hardest. Rule. Ever.
I say this to my clients, first session, and often in the first 10 minutes:
“The hardest thing to accept is this idea – everything, 100%, that is going on inside of you is caused by you. Others do not “make you feel” – they don’t create your internal experience. That’s you in there, doing all of it. Therefore, everyone else is off the hook.”
The only way another person can affect us is physically – someone with a gun can “make you” do stuff. Someone verbally demanding you do something is powerless.
Similarly, others do not make you happy, sad, angry, bored, or horny. What you feel is you, choosing.
This is the “make or break understanding” for having a meaningful life and for The. Best. Relationship. Ever.
• OK, so the plan is to share some essential concepts, and look at how relationships fail.
• Then, a case study, featuring Sam and Sally.
• We’ll look at Elegant, Intimate Relating.
• I’ll then give you tools for Elegant, Intimate Relating, so that you too can have The. Best. Relationship. Ever.
Let’s go for the ride. Read carefully, absorb what you read, and experiment with the exercises. This stuff doesn’t happen by magic. You actually have to implement it!
Chapter Four: Tools for Relating
Elegant, Intimate Relating (EIR)
EIR is a structure for living deeply and fully with others
With EIR, nothing is taken for granted. Elegant, Intimate Relating requires the active participation of two separate and distinct beings, both of whom are dedicated to rigorous self-exploration. Each is using the relationship to gain depth and breadth of knowledge about the only thing each can know: themselves.
Elegant, Intimate Relating is enacted at the direct meeting of two whole persons. I call this “meeting at the boundary” – I am still I, you are still you, and we meet to explore, to reveal, to be open and vulnerable through honest revelation.
The revelation has to be authentic
In EIR, you are choosing to be transparent with your partner. EIR is not about saying nice things, not about manipulating your partner to see or do things your way. Nor is it about hiding the fact that you have a range of feelings and emotions “in there.” Transparent authenticity is choosing to let yourself be seen – as you are, and how you are.
Elegant, Intimate Relating happens only in the Here and Now
It’s not about your stories. Stories, at best, serve as a framework for true vulnerability.
Vulnerability is expressed by letting out what is going on for you, right now, with no excuses. This is me, right now. And part of “me, right now,” is the emotion that is happening inside of me. Not descriptions of the emotions, not blaming someone for the emotions, but rather the emotions themselves.
Once you “get this,” you’ll also notice that emotions are fleeting. I can be sad, then bored, then weepy, then laugh-filled, then have the feeling of “nothing much,” but only if I do not cling to my story, a.k.a. thinking too much.
The crux of Elegant, Intimate Relating
- The elegant part is this: an elegant relationship is both dynamic and flexible. There’s a flow – an ease. While there are different roles to explore, nothing is rigid, and everything is available.
- The intimate part is this: everything is out in the open, revealed, and honestly discussed. It is all about truthfulness, a relaxation of boundaries, and clear focus.
- Elegant, Intimate Relating is dynamic: while the methodology of relating stays the same, there is acceptance that “life” is constantly in flux. Emotions arise, and shift, and change. Roles shift, depending on the needs and desires of the partners. Nothing is graven in stone.
- Both partners are open and vulnerable: everything is accepted as real, and all feelings are fully felt and shared, without judgement, without trying to get your partner to behave some other way.
- Elegant, Intimate Relating is Respectful: it’s recognizing and celebrating the worth of your partner. It is impossible to respect someone for what he or she is going to do or be, someday, if all is well and “the creek don’t rise.” Respect is acknowledging the present worth of another person. Therefore, I can only “recognize and celebrate” someone right now.
- Elegant, Intimate Relating Requires Patience: it’s knowing that all I can do right now is what I can do right now. Patience is the ability to be present with things, situations, and people – while fully grasping that everyone and everything is in flux. “Things are as they are, until they aren’t.”
Everything is complete at every stage, while at the same time is moving with time toward a state of ‘more complete.’ This is a difficult concept.
Think about building a bridge. At every stage, each step – say, setting the pylons into the river – is ‘complete’ as it progresses. When they are digging the hole, that’s it – they are digging. Then, mixing concrete. Then, pouring concrete. Each step is, in its moment, a whole. In terms of each step’s ‘bridge-ness,’ it is also part of that process.
Thus, how it is right now is what to focus on – not how you wish it was, nor about how it used to be. Elegant, Intimate Relating is about living fully in the present moment.
Elegant, Intimate Relating is All about Intent
Elegant relating requires finding new ways of seeing and processing what is happening.
This is best accomplished by having a clue as to what I am trying to accomplish (my Intent,) all the time. Otherwise I will find that I am going off half-cocked.
So, if my goal is to relate with honesty and intimacy, any behaviour that does not facilitate this goal must be stopped as it emerges.
Example: Absolutist phrasing (“You are (always, never, every time, right wrong, etc.) doing…”) leads to fighting about whether the absolute is ‘true.’ It’s also limiting, disrespectful, and leads back to “I’m right and you need to see things my way.”
Once I know this, I can stop myself from making absolute statements, and say instead, “I’m noticing (whatever) and I wonder what’s going on for you.”
Good communicators will ask their partner, “What was your intent in asking me that?” It’s also a legitimate question for you to ask yourself. Just don’t stop too soon. Because intent is often not what you first think it is
Intent has to be expressed with total honesty. Hiding your intentions leads down a path we’d best avoid.
We’ll be fleshing out these concepts in the Tools Section, but I trust you’re getting an inkling about how different The. Best. Relationship. Ever. is from a ‘normal’ relationship. We’re going to continue to flesh out the concepts – next up – let’s talk about Dialogue.
The key to elegant relating is dialogue
Ongoing dialogue is a hard choice, and is selected by perhaps 5% of couples. Open, honest, vulnerable dialogue leads to a sense of aliveness, vibration and vibrancy, and energized living. Its characteristics are curiosity, passion, integrity, and co-creativity.
My goal is to support you as you create a deep and satisfying relationship — the best relationship ever had– and most importantly, to show you how Elegant, Intimate Relating holds up a mirror — you become the best person you can possible be.
** Paperback: 220 pages
** E‑book digital downloads
** PDF Download
* Publisher: The Phoenix Centre Press
(February 14, 2013)
* Language: English
ISBN: Book — 978–09877192‑3–2
Paperback: $20.00, E‑Book digital editions $2.99, PDF download $4.00
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I could go on and on with reasons to purchase The Best Relationship Ever, but here’s the point: You need to prove to yourself that you can experience your own personal miracle.
Do it today!