5 Ideas About Compassion

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5 Ideas About Com­pas­sion — The root of Com­pas­sion is ‘being present with.’ As we prac­tice com­pas­sion, we drop judge­ment. We are left with a sense of self and a sense of anoth­er that is strong, root­ed, and free from manipulation.

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Some­times we think that to devel­op an open heart, to be tru­ly lov­ing and com­pas­sion­ate, means that we need to be pas­sive, to allow oth­ers to abuse us, to smile and let any­one do what they want with us. Yet this is not what is meant by com­pas­sion. Quite the con­trary. Com­pas­sion is not at all weak. It is the strength that aris­es out of see­ing the true nature of suf­fer­ing in the world. Com­pas­sion allows us to bear wit­ness to that suf­fer­ing, whether it is in our­selves or oth­ers, with­out fear; it allows us to name injus­tice with­out hes­i­ta­tion, and to act strong­ly, with all the skill at our dis­pos­al. To devel­op this mind state of compassion…is to learn to live, as the Bud­dha put it, with sym­pa­thy for all liv­ing beings, with­out excep­tion. ~~ Quot­ing the Dalai Lama
~ Sharon Salzberg, Lov­ingkind­ness: The Rev­o­lu­tion­ary Art of Hap­pi­ness (Shamb­ha­la Classics)

Many people waste their lives trying to force externals to “behave.”

Shift­ing into com­pas­sion requires mov­ing through our ego dri­ven need to be right, to be obeyed, or to be respect­ed (what­ev­er that means.)

It’s easy to be so dri­ven by this need that we lose our­selves — try­ing vain­ly to fix things. We’re flum­moxed by oth­ers not coop­er­at­ing with us, mak­ing demands, being crit­i­cal, whatever. 

It will come as no surprise that such people are lost in their heads

Where else? They’ve staged an entire Broad­way Musi­cal in there, com­plete with props, char­ac­ters, and snap­py dia­logue. What has fall­en by the way­side, in all of this “direct­ing of the play,” is self-com­pas­sion.

And by that I mean, ground­ed­ness, pas­sion, and self-knowing.

One approach is to live a life of engaged compassion.

Com­pas­sion, as we read in this week’s quote, is not rolling over, is not walk­ing around “all spir­i­tu­al.” It is hav­ing the courage to stay present with oth­ers, while con­tin­u­ing to walk.

Idea # 1 — compassion begins with the Self

Com­pas­sion for oth­ers begins with com­pas­sion for self. In order to engage with com­pas­sion, we must first inte­grate and own who we are.

In practice, this means accepting ourselves as we are.

OK, I know. You want to talk about chang­ing who you are (or, more hon­est­ly, chang­ing the rest of the world.) 

This is plain­ly impos­si­ble. We are who and how we are, and ever will be. Most of our emo­tion­al reac­tions are hard-wired in. 

It’s why, if you have sib­lings, you have dif­fer­ent reac­tions to the same story.

What we can do is under­stand that our hard-wiring, left unchecked, leads to cat­a­stro­phe after catastrophe.

If all we do is com­plain about and judge our base-line self, all we have is mis­ery, and noth­ing shifts. Com­pas­sion for self starts with,

“This is how I am. I can’t change my genet­ics, my his­to­ry, or my emo­tion­al set-point. What I can do is accept this as my per­son­al “ground zero,” and, each time, make oth­er choic­es.

Choice is always possible (Wong and McKeen)

Here’s the key. I know, for myself, that my reac­tive nature leads me to two things: 

1. harsh judge­ment of myself and oth­ers, and 
2. melan­choly.

Has, ever since I left home at 17.

What I also know is the “feel” of either. I know the ache in my bel­ly, and the tight­en­ing of my neck. As I feel these things, I breathe and treat myself with compassion –

“I am who I am, and this is my norm. Giv­en that, here is what I choose to enact.”

This is how com­pas­sion works, at all lev­els. It is NOT pas­sive accep­tance, but is rather informed acknowl­edg­ment. By that, I mean that we land firm­ly in who we are and what is hap­pen­ing, accept that this is real, and then, with a clear head and open heart, act for the ben­e­fit of self and others.

Idea # 2 — Learning to see with clear eyes.

When I move past “What’s in it for me?” or “Why don’t they under­stand (short­hand for do it my way),” I’m left with the stun­ning real­i­ty that what is in me, and what is in front of me, is just “there.”

Most of us “Take the ‘A’ Train” right into our heads, and start judg­ing, fin­ger point­ing, and sighing.

If you’ve ever gone to the zoo, you like­ly have seen mon­keys play­ing with their poop. The roll it into balls, look at it, and if you get too close, they fling it at you.

This is what we do, in our heads, all the time. Play with our poop, and fling it at others.

Clear eyes sim­ply see. Here is what is hap­pen­ing, and here is me, start­ing to react. And then, the big ques­tion. Will I choose to have a breath, and choose anoth­er way — will I respond rather than react?

If I choose a response, clear eyes let me “see” what to do next. And almost always, what we choose to do next is act in a way that is compassionate.

Idea # 3 — short of being confronted with physical violence, compassion must win out

It’s no coin­ci­dence that, when Bud­dhism came to Chi­na, Kung Fu was an almost imme­di­ate result. Great exer­cise, great was to burn of aggres­sion, but also a great defen­sive tool — as monas­ter­ies were easy targets. 

Defense­less­ness is the game wimps play — it’s not spir­i­tu­al, or holy — it’s pas­sive-aggres­sive behav­iour.

when con­front­ed with phys­i­cal vio­lence, feel free to let fly.

Otherwise, get over yourself. Aiming an emotion at another is always the opposite of compassion.

Get­ting defen­sive, get­ting angry, blam­ing, doing a “It’s for your own good” lec­ture, sob­bing, melt­ing down — all are games played by manip­u­la­tors — each designed to get the oth­er per­son to “behave.”

Compassion is “sitting with.”

What that looks like is dia­logue. It’s accep­tance that we do not see things the same (none of us do) and nev­er will. It’s reach­ing the point where:

” I choose to accept that “this is where you are.” And giv­en that, here is my choice of response.”

It’s find­ing an action that is in keep­ing with your prin­ci­ples, with­out expect­ing oth­ers to agree. It’s then imple­ment­ing and liv­ing out of your prin­ci­ples, with­out apology. 

Idea # 4 — Compassion builds as you build your foundation

Notice where your heart is. Yup. Right there in the cen­tre of your chest. Heart ener­gy runs from there, and can exit through the merid­i­an exit point, locat­ed in the cen­tre of your palms. When you wrap some­one in your arms with com­pas­sion, they feel your ener­gy radi­at­ing our of your hands (with­out know­ing it) and that’s why heart-felt hugs “feel so good.”

You can’t exercise compassion with a shrivelled, tiny, contained, stunted, protected heart. No matter how hard you try.

So, you find ground. Through Qi Gong, through Med­i­ta­tion, and through own­ing who you are, and what you value.

Strength­ened, you enter into, and ful­ly embrace your pas­sions — and after embrac­ing them, you let them flow by repeat­ed­ly enact­ing each and every one of them. Fully.

You direct your pas­sion, and own all of it as you. 

It’s you, whether you acknowl­edge it or not, but block­ing “know­ing your­self” means a half-lived life. 

In that know­ing, you see clear­ly how you block, stop, mess with your­self. And then, you chose, again and again, to act from com­pas­sion as opposed to repression.

From there, you step into your heart, and hold your­self and oth­ers in the embrace of compassion

Idea # 5 — compassion, enacted

Hav­ing a good thought is nice, I guess, but hav­ing a good action actu­al­ly accom­plish­es some­thing. And often, espe­cial­ly in the ear­ly going, com­pas­sion is expressed as “No.”

No to your­self, each time you come up with anoth­er rea­son to blame oth­ers or cir­cum­stances for you sit­ting there, play­ing with your shit.

No to oth­ers, who want you to behave, to not rock the boat, to do it their way.

It’s a sim­ple no, not a no with expla­na­tions. You owe no one an expla­na­tion. Most­ly, expla­na­tions come from defen­sive­ness. Or, you’re look­ing for anoth­er to agree with your deci­sion. “I’ve thought it through, eval­u­at­ed my choic­es, and no, I won’t be doing that.” “Here is what I choose to do.” If pressed to “Explain your­self, young (wo)man!” (how old are you, again???) you sim­ply repeat yourself.

And then, you act. You do what you say you’ll do, as per­fect­ly and attach­ment — free as pos­si­ble. And then you eval­u­ate, and fine tune.

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