Amazing Formula for The Best Relationship Ever

As I Write in My Book.…

Introduction

First of all, welcome!

My wife Dar­bel­la (Dar for short) and I have been devel­op­ing and teach­ing Ele­gant, Inti­mate Relat­ing since we met in 1982. We’ve helped hun­dreds of clients to strength­en and deep­en their rela­tion­ships. Need­less to say, what you’re about to read is the bedrock for our own relationship.

We’d like to help you – if you use what we’ve learned, and your rela­tion­ship will become the best is can be.

Over the years, I’ve writ­ten two book­lets about relat­ing, as well as cre­at­ing “The List of 50,” a method to fig­ure out what you want in a part­ner (expand­ed to a full-length book, Find Your Per­fect Part­ner.) Recent­ly, I decid­ed it was time for a prac­ti­cal guide based on Ele­gant, Inti­mate Relating.

The. Best. Rela­tion­ship. Ever. teach­es the nuts and bolts of build­ing and main­tain­ing a great rela­tion­ship. You’ll learn about what Ele­gant, Inti­mate Relat­ing looks like, you’ll dis­cov­er how to com­mu­ni­cate with clar­i­ty and curios­i­ty, and you’ll dis­cov­er how to con­tin­ue deep­en­ing your rela­tion­ship over time.

The Plot Thickens

The best gift you can give your­self, right now, is an acknowl­edge­ment – you real­ly don’t have a clue what it takes to have a full-bod­ied, lush rela­tion­ship, now do you??

And real­ly, why would you? They’re pret­ty rare. Most experts, includ­ing me 😉 fig­ure that only 5% of the pop­u­la­tion ever fig­ures this one out.

That’s why so many peo­ple divorce; that’s why so many oth­ers have dull, bor­ing relationships.

Hard Work is Required

Fair warn­ing: Ele­gant, Inti­mate Relat­ing is a long and wind­ing road. I want to be clear. This book has no short-cuts – just plain speak­ing, and hard work.

Rela­tion­ship work is per­son­al and individual

Now, that may seem a bit odd in a book titled, “The. Best. Rela­tion­ship. Ever.” I’m stat­ing it this way to make a point. Despite the fact that the num­ber of peo­ple in a tra­di­tion­al rela­tion­ship is two, there is only one per­son that can change how you relate to your part­ner. You!

There­fore, not one sug­ges­tion in this book is aimed at your part­ner. This book is not a tool to blud­geon your part­ner with. This book is designed to get you to stop look­ing out­side of your­self, either for res­cue, or to blame.

Have a look at the rela­tion­ship you are in (or the one that just end­ed!) Now, say after me:

“I cre­at­ed this. Every aspect of my life is just as it is, and it is as it is because of how I think, and what I do. Wait­ing for my part­ner to change is sil­ly, as the only per­son I have a chance of chang­ing is me. So, here I go – from this point on, I am claim­ing total respon­si­bil­i­ty for how I see myself, and what I choose to do.”

There! Don’t you feel all warm and fuzzy inside?

We’re going to go on a walk into 100% self-respon­si­bil­i­ty. By the end of this book, you’ll know whether there’s a chance in hell to save your cur­rent rela­tion­ship (hint: there is, but not eas­i­ly, as there’s a ton of water under that bridge, and doing things dif­fer­ent­ly requires stren­u­ous effort.)

If your lat­est rela­tion­ship has tanked, then read­ing this book may just make your next rela­tion­ship soar.

In either case, you must keep your nose on your side of the fence, learn and imple­ment what this book teach­es – a new way of being in the world – and get over yourself.

The. Hard­est. Rule. Ever.

I say this to my clients, first ses­sion, and often in the first 10 minutes:

“The hard­est thing to accept is this idea – every­thing, 100%, that is going on inside of you is caused by you. Oth­ers do not “make you feel” – they don’t cre­ate your inter­nal expe­ri­ence. That’s you in there, doing all of it. There­fore, every­one else is off the hook.”

The only way anoth­er per­son can affect us is phys­i­cal­ly – some­one with a gun can “make you” do stuff. Some­one ver­bal­ly demand­ing you do some­thing is powerless.

Sim­i­lar­ly, oth­ers do not make you hap­py, sad, angry, bored, or horny. What you feel is you, choosing.

This is the “make or break under­stand­ing” for hav­ing a mean­ing­ful life and for The. Best. Rela­tion­ship. Ever.

• OK, so the plan is to share some essen­tial con­cepts, and look at how rela­tion­ships fail.

• Then, a case study, fea­tur­ing Sam and Sally.

• We’ll look at Ele­gant, Inti­mate Relating.

• I’ll then give you tools for Ele­gant, Inti­mate Relat­ing, so that you too can have The. Best. Rela­tion­ship. Ever.

Let’s go for the ride. Read care­ful­ly, absorb what you read, and exper­i­ment with the exer­cis­es. This stuff does­n’t hap­pen by mag­ic. You actu­al­ly have to imple­ment it!

Chapter Four: Tools for Relating

Elegant, Intimate Relating (EIR)

EIR is a struc­ture for liv­ing deeply and ful­ly with others

With EIR, noth­ing is tak­en for grant­ed. Ele­gant, Inti­mate Relat­ing requires the active par­tic­i­pa­tion of two sep­a­rate and dis­tinct beings, both of whom are ded­i­cat­ed to rig­or­ous self-explo­ration. Each is using the rela­tion­ship to gain depth and breadth of knowl­edge about the only thing each can know: themselves.

Ele­gant, Inti­mate Relat­ing is enact­ed at the direct meet­ing of two whole per­sons. I call this “meet­ing at the bound­ary” – I am still I, you are still you, and we meet to explore, to reveal, to be open and vul­ner­a­ble through hon­est revelation.

The rev­e­la­tion has to be authentic

In EIR, you are choos­ing to be trans­par­ent with your part­ner. EIR is not about say­ing nice things, not about manip­u­lat­ing your part­ner to see or do things your way. Nor is it about hid­ing the fact that you have a range of feel­ings and emo­tions “in there.” Trans­par­ent authen­tic­i­ty is choos­ing to let your­self be seen – as you are, and how you are.

Ele­gant, Inti­mate Relat­ing hap­pens only in the Here and Now

It’s not about your sto­ries. Sto­ries, at best, serve as a frame­work for true vulnerability.

Vul­ner­a­bil­i­ty is expressed by let­ting out what is going on for you, right now, with no excus­es. This is me, right now. And part of “me, right now,” is the emo­tion that is hap­pen­ing inside of me. Not descrip­tions of the emo­tions, not blam­ing some­one for the emo­tions, but rather the emo­tions themselves.

Once you “get this,” you’ll also notice that emo­tions are fleet­ing. I can be sad, then bored, then weepy, then laugh-filled, then have the feel­ing of “noth­ing much,” but only if I do not cling to my sto­ry, a.k.a. think­ing too much.

The crux of Elegant, Intimate Relating

• The ele­gant part is this: an ele­gant rela­tion­ship is both dynam­ic and flex­i­ble. There’s a flow – an ease. While there are dif­fer­ent roles to explore, noth­ing is rigid, and every­thing is available.
• The inti­mate part is this: every­thing is out in the open, revealed, and hon­est­ly dis­cussed. It is all about truth­ful­ness, a relax­ation of bound­aries, and clear focus.
• Ele­gant, Inti­mate Relat­ing is dynam­ic: while the method­ol­o­gy of relat­ing stays the same, there is accep­tance that “life” is con­stant­ly in flux. Emo­tions arise, and shift, and change. Roles shift, depend­ing on the needs and desires of the part­ners. Noth­ing is graven in stone.
• Both part­ners are open and vul­ner­a­ble: every­thing is accept­ed as real, and all feel­ings are ful­ly felt and shared, with­out judge­ment, with­out try­ing to get your part­ner to behave some oth­er way.
• Ele­gant, Inti­mate Relat­ing is Respect­ful: it’s rec­og­niz­ing and cel­e­brat­ing the worth of your part­ner. It is impos­si­ble to respect some­one for what he or she is going to do or be, some­day, if all is well and “the creek don’t rise.” Respect is acknowl­edg­ing the present worth of anoth­er per­son. There­fore, I can only “rec­og­nize and cel­e­brate” some­one right now.
• Ele­gant, Inti­mate Relat­ing Requires Patience: it’s know­ing that all I can do right now is what I can do right now. Patience is the abil­i­ty to be present with things, sit­u­a­tions, and peo­ple – while ful­ly grasp­ing that every­one and every­thing is in flux. “Things are as they are, until they aren’t.”

Every­thing is com­plete at every stage, while at the same time is mov­ing with time toward a state of ‘more com­plete.’ This is a dif­fi­cult concept.

Think about build­ing a bridge. At every stage, each step – say, set­ting the pylons into the riv­er – is ‘com­plete’ as it pro­gress­es. When they are dig­ging the hole, that’s it – they are dig­ging. Then, mix­ing con­crete. Then, pour­ing con­crete. Each step is, in its moment, a whole. In terms of each step’s ‘bridge-ness,’ it is also part of that process.

Thus, how it is right now is what to focus on – not how you wish it was, nor about how it used to be. Ele­gant, Inti­mate Relat­ing is about liv­ing ful­ly in the present moment.

Elegant, Intimate Relating is All about Intent

Ele­gant relat­ing requires find­ing new ways of see­ing and pro­cess­ing what is happening.

This is best accom­plished by hav­ing a clue as to what I am try­ing to accom­plish (my Intent,) all the time. Oth­er­wise I will find that I am going off half-cocked.

So, if my goal is to relate with hon­esty and inti­ma­cy, any behav­iour that does not facil­i­tate this goal must be stopped as it emerges.

Exam­ple: Abso­lutist phras­ing (“You are (always, nev­er, every time, right wrong, etc.) doing…”) leads to fight­ing about whether the absolute is ‘true.’ It’s also lim­it­ing, dis­re­spect­ful, and leads back to “I’m right and you need to see things my way.”

Once I know this, I can stop myself from mak­ing absolute state­ments, and say instead, “I’m notic­ing (what­ev­er) and I won­der what’s going on for you.”

Good com­mu­ni­ca­tors will ask their part­ner, “What was your intent in ask­ing me that?” It’s also a legit­i­mate ques­tion for you to ask your­self. Just don’t stop too soon. Because intent is often not what you first think it is

Intent has to be expressed with total hon­esty. Hid­ing your inten­tions leads down a path we’d best avoid.

We’ll be flesh­ing out these con­cepts in the Tools Sec­tion, but I trust you’re get­ting an inkling about how dif­fer­ent The. Best. Rela­tion­ship. Ever. is from a ‘nor­mal’ rela­tion­ship. We’re going to con­tin­ue to flesh out the con­cepts – next up – let’s talk about Dialogue.

The key to elegant relating is dialogue

Ongo­ing dia­logue is a hard choice, and is select­ed by per­haps 5% of cou­ples. Open, hon­est, vul­ner­a­ble dia­logue leads to a sense of alive­ness, vibra­tion and vibran­cy, and ener­gized liv­ing. Its char­ac­ter­is­tics are curios­i­ty, pas­sion, integri­ty, and co-creativity.