Reality Mismatch

Reality Mismatch — We all have developed an internal picture, (or pictures) of “reality.” We stack evidence for the validity of our internal picture. Stress occurs when our internal picture clashes with the external world.

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I have late­ly been sub­scrib­ing to a coupe of sub­stacks. One is called “Bud­dhist Phi­los­o­phy.” Pret­ty inter­est­ing stuff, and as much Bud­dhist psy­chother­a­py as it is philosophy.

Yesterday’s tome was about inner/outer con­flict… kleśas (kle­shas)… defined as

…men­tal states that cloud the mind and man­i­fest in unwhole­some actions. Kle­shas include states of mind such as anx­i­ety, fear, anger, jeal­ousy, desire, etc. Wikipedia

I’ve spent a lot of time writ­ing about this dichoto­my – the end­less con­flict between “real­i­ty” and our maps of “real­i­ty.”

Our maps devel­op as we do… our par­ents build their belief system(s) into us… this because we arrive as blank slates, know­ing noth­ing, under­stand­ing nothing.

Our per­spec­tives, then, are “gifts” from our Fam­i­ly of Ori­gin. That fam­i­ly expands as we grow to include: close rel­a­tives, reli­gious groups, polit­i­cal groups, neigh­bour­hood groups, and our peers.

The ini­tial per­spec­tive set is absolute­ly nec­es­sary; it’s how we learn to look to the left before cross­ing the street, for example. 

Inter­est­ing­ly, going to Great Britain proves the depth and strength of this one. For the first while, you approach a cross­walk, look left, and almost get run over from cars com­ing from the right.

(Even­tu­al­ly, you adjust, but in my expe­ri­ence, if I dis­tract myself, at the next cor­ner, I again look left…)

Where things get inter­est­ing is when per­spec­tives are based upon beliefs. Like what a sub­set of peo­ple are capa­ble of. Or what are roles are as we engage with others.

Then, there are “world” per­spec­tives, where dis­so­nance between inte­ri­or and exter­nal increas­ing­ly clashes. 

In 2026, the list of said clashes is a mile long.

I could head off on a polit­i­cal rant at this point, but… my back­ground as a ther­a­pist leads me, rather, to look at per­son­al interactions.

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My par­ents were quite good at “par­ent­ing,” IMHO. They gave me a lot of free­dom to screw up, and I cer­tain­ly did. They also let me know that their per­spec­tive was that I was a very smart, clever lit­tle guy.

That, while total­ly and absolute­ly true 😉got me into all kinds of messes.

One of my books is called Find Your Per­fect Part­ner. I wrote it to expand upon a book­let I wrote called the List of 50. Both are about tak­ing the time to describe to your­self the kinds of peo­ple you wish to asso­ciate with.

That may seem strange. But real­ly, most of us go through life in rela­tion­ship with peo­ple based upon super­fi­cials, chance meet­ings, ran­dom asso­ci­a­tions, etc. We form rela­tion­ships to cre­ate tribes to replace our Fam­i­ly of Origin.

Here’s the back­ground sto­ry. And I would has­ten to add that my belief in my intel­li­gence and wis­dom (my inter­nal per­spec­tive) was what led me down this very strange path.

(Impor­tant back­sto­ry infor­ma­tion: Today, April 5, 2026 is Dar­bel­la’s and my 40^th anniver­sary. It is also my 3^rd mar­riage. Old soul, slow learn­er. This sto­ry is an overview of mar­riage # 2.

I met “Sue” (I’ve told this sto­ry in book­lets and in one of my books, and I call her “Sue,” so I’ll use that pseu­do­nym here) in university.

The uni­ver­si­ty did semes­ters in a 4–1‑4 plan, and Jan­u­ary was either a one course inten­sive, or a month off. I was there that Jan­u­ary but not tak­ing a course.

I wan­dered into the Uni­ver­si­ty Book­store, and there “Sue” was, all 5′2″, blond-hair, blue eyes, low cut top of her. I was smit­ten, oth­er­wise known as “lust-struck.”

Long sto­ry short, I asked her out. One thing led to anoth­er, and she moved into my dorm room. And back out again. 

Things, for me, shift­ed between “OK” and “no way.”

Despite this, I kept invit­ing her back into my life. My per­spec­tive told me that I was all know­ing and wise, and if she just tried a bit hard­er, I’d be OK. Just OK.

She went off to do an advanced degree. We toned down the relationship. 

She returned in June and we were sit­ting in my car. She asked me whether I was going to pro­pose, and I remem­ber think­ing, “Don’t do it. Run!!!”

The oth­er side of my head (the side with the invalid per­spec­tive about my abil­i­ty to change oth­ers…) said, “But you have 3 years in. You can always change her!”

I mar­ried her.

See? Dumb.

I could­n’t. So, with a fresh coun­selling degree in my back pock­et, I end­ed things after 7 years.

Dur­ing coun­selling train­ing, I’d learned a good com­mu­ni­ca­tion mod­el, and bet­ter ways of relat­ing… none of which had any­thing to do with chang­ing the oth­er person. 

What it did have to do with was respect, and car­ing for anoth­er per­son exact­ly as they are, along with a way to talk with each oth­er that leads to issue resolution.

Not fixing the other. ISSUE resolution.

This was hard for me, as my base­line per­spec­tive is that I am both smart and right. So, I must reign in my inter­nal per­spec­tive, by notic­ing that I am pro­ject­ing it on the exter­nal world.

As this applies to relat­ing (espe­cial­ly with Dar­bel­la, but also with every­one else…)

 I have to see my per­spec­tive is one of two. Not right. One of two. And I have to do this repeatedly.

Ben Wong from The Haven used to say,

“Change isn’t pos­si­ble, but choice always is.”

Two things:

• This means that our inter­nal per­spec­tive is made of gran­ite, or steel. It’s there for­ev­er, and noth­ing can change it. That said, if I pay atten­tion to it, notice when it tries to exert itself, and I can choose to act dif­fer­ent­ly.
• This means that choos­ing must hap­pen each time (always). No “one and done.” No fix, no cure. Just end­less rep­e­ti­tion of that works, in the face of the inter­nal pull to head down dumb paths.

I wrote Find Your Per­fect Part­ner to describe a key to all of this. 

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Remem­ber, I dat­ed “Sue” because I found her attrac­tive, (a nor­mal rea­son to go out on a date.) YET, once I got to know her and real­ized we were NOT com­pat­i­ble, I decid­ed to fix her, rather than move on.

You would­n’t believe how many peo­ple I know who are in rela­tion­ships pre­cise­ly for this rea­son, and are either in the process of divorc­ing, or have moved to sep­a­rate bed­rooms and are going to tough it out until they die.

If they divorce and do no inter­nal work, the next time, the pull of their inter­nal per­spec­tive will be to find anoth­er (bro­ken) per­son just like the last per­son and repeat the “fix­ing” dance again.

It is possible to decide for yourself what kind of person you want to be in relationship with and then find that person.

For me, the will­ing­ness to talk issues through to res­o­lu­tion is key, as is being con­tent to be with the per­son I am with; not try­ing to turn my part­ner into some­one else

You gotta decide what the basis of your relationship is

It can’t (or ought not to be) “She ought to be fix­able.”
It can’t be “He gives me great orgasms.”
It can’t be, “I don’t want to be alone, so (s)he’s bet­ter than nothing.”

Recog­nise the dan­ger inher­ent in believ­ing in your inter­nal per­spec­tives. Like any oth­er belief, you’re caught in a game of try­ing to ham­mer real­i­ty into what it isn’t.

Instead, notice, breathe, let go of your sto­ries, and act in the real world. Respon­si­bly, and self-responsibly.

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