Dropping the Ego — Self-actualized as compared to self-absorbed — Whole Being

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Dropping the Ego — The ego wants us to be special, to get attention, and are on us relentlessly — judging us as failures while spurring us on to do the same stuff. The self-actualized person is able, again and again, to step out of this game.

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Here are a few differences between self-actualized and self-absorbed.

· The self-actu­al­ized per­son under­stands that his own world revolves around him­self.
· The self-absorbed per­son thinks the whole world revolves around her.
· The self-actu­al­ized per­son asks, “What can I learn?”
· The self-absorbed per­son asks, “What’s in it for me?”

Dropping the ego is all about turning the mirror of ego away from our false selves, while shining the light of attention onto our true selves.

We’ve been con­di­tioned to ele­vate our­selves to unre­al lev­els. We annoy our­selves over oth­ers we judge “too big for their britch­es,” miss­ing our own games and judgements. 

One way past this is to see self-absorp­tion for what it is — a diver­sion designed to keep us stuck in irrel­e­vant sto­ries. We let go of our games through self-know­ing and self-actualization.

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The self-actualized person takes her own wants and needs seriously.

(If you’re curi­ous about the dif­fer­ence between a want and a need, check out my book, This End­less Moment) It’s avail­able as a book, an e‑book, and an audio book.

She knows her­self and seeks to know more. She nev­er assumes that she’s “done” with much of any­thing — nev­er is there a sense of “been there, done that,” because she knows that the “there” and the “that” are con­stant­ly changing. 

If some­thing isn’t going the way she wants it to, she sim­ply stops doing what isn’t work­ing, with­out whin­ing or complaining.

The self-actu­al­ized per­son has learned to be self-suf­fi­cient, and there­fore not in need (not needy) of the sup­port of others.

This comes from a place of self- respon­si­bil­i­ty. They do not require an audi­ence in order to feel valu­able — they already val­ue them­selves as they are. They may choose to be enter­tain­ing and many have great charisma. 

They are work­ing from a place of great enjoy­ment of the dra­ma and the beau­ty of life.

The self-absorbed person expects to be put first

The self-absorbed per­son assumes that he lives in the cen­tre of the uni­verse, thinks that every­thing should go exact­ly as he wants it to, and that every­thing that is hap­pen­ing is about him.

He is high­ly opin­ion­at­ed, and thinks that he is always right, always jus­ti­fied in his behaviour. 

When he judges that some­one else is not con­sid­er­ing him first, he redou­bles his effort to be noticed. 

In a traf­fic jam, the self-absorbed per­son asks, “Why is this hap­pen­ing to me?”

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Many of the dyads in this series have to do with internal versus external states of focus, comfort, value and understanding.

• If I am try­ing to be the cen­tre of every­one else’s atten­tion, I have no cen­tre to call my own. 
• If I am using my sex­u­al­i­ty or tal­ents to try to “win love,” I am using rather than valu­ing myself. 
• If I have the expec­ta­tion that love means that the oth­er per­son is going to meet my every need, take care of me, and put me ahead of every­thing else, soon­er or lat­er I’m going to be very disappointed.

I’m using self-absorbed to describe a way of being

Self-absorp­tion is both a men­tal per­spec­tive, and an action. 

Anoth­er, clin­i­cal def­i­n­i­tion is nar­cis­sism. The per­son craves exter­nal val­i­da­tion — “I am noth­ing if I am not noticed.” Every­thing the per­son does is done to gain attention. 

My mom had this per­spec­tive. I can’t num­ber the times, when what she want­ed was at cross pur­pos­es with what she was get­ting, that she would lit­er­al­ly puff her­self up to her full, tow­er­ing 5′ 0″, and thun­der, “How can they do this? Don’t they know who I am?”

Self-actualization is about self-knowledge, coupled with letting others off the hook

The self-actu­al­ized per­son does what he does because he derives sat­is­fac­tion from a job well done. He works from a calm cen­tre, and finds val­ue from his active engage­ment with the world — with the sit­u­a­tion at hand. 

The per­son­’s self-esteem is not depen­dent on the views,
actions or reac­tions of others.

The self-actu­al­ized per­son has the keys to her own car, turns her key all by her­self, and dri­ves where she choos­es.
She does as she choos­es, in keep­ing with her val­ues and prin­ci­ples.
She is aware of her­self, con­tent with her­self, and will­ing to bring her­self for­ward in full engage­ment with oth­ers and the world.

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The self-absorbed per­son is sure life is about get­ting attention. 

The self-absorbed per­son wants you to admire his car, actu­al­ly care (or even want to go along!) where he is dri­ving to, and be respon­si­ble for keep­ing track of his keys. He wants oth­ers to take time out of their day to deliv­er the keys, told how much he’ll be missed, and sent on his way with his GPS ful­ly programmed.

He wants every­one to stand on the side of the road and wave as he goes by. He pic­tures the crowds whis­per­ing to each oth­er, “I won­der where he is off to now?” And of course he wants con­grat­u­la­tions for fig­ur­ing things out (they often imag­ine that they are very bright…) — sim­ple things, like find­ing their way back home.

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